Managing Silence In Counselling

What is Resistance?

Resistance, like many defence mechanisms, is an often unconscious response that has its beginnings in the amygdala, the almond shaped part of the brain that is well known for the part it plays in fear conditioning. We develop defence mechanisms to help us deal with feelings of anxiety or upset that can arise from harmful or unpleasant stimuli. Our defence mechanisms are primarily our friends, they help keep us safe and happy, and protect us against things that are upsetting.

Problems arise when we forget that whilst resistance and silence may once have been very effective at keeping us safe, they can become unhealthy and hold us back. Understanding this you may wonder how then to get a client to open up. Below I have outlined three ways in which to approach this.

Engaging Resistant Clients in Therapy

First of all, remember that therapy is a collaborative enterprise. Yes, engaging resistant clients in therapy is part of our task as therapist, but responsibility also lies with the client, and they will have their own work to do in order for them to most effectively use their therapy time.

As a therapist I find these steps it helpful

• Accepting the resistance as part of the process
• Create a sense of safety
• Effectively Managing silence in counselling sessions

Accepting the Resistance

An important thing to remember is that resisting therapy is normal! Wanting to avoid questions that are difficult or uncomfortable is a very common defence mechanism. Perhaps we developed this trait in order to not be mistreated when we were young. Perhaps we learned to distract our parents or teachers to avoid their disappointment. Normalising the behaviour, by talking congruently about what is happening, can be powerful for the client as they may have some belief that they are bad or unusual for being resistant.

Resistance is to be expected. It is much more uncommon that I have a client come to sessions without any resistance, totally open, and willing to do the work. But as normal as it is, silence and resistance do not serve the client well. I gently remind clients that the goal of therapy is to really push through these defence mechanisms so we can talk and heal. I find it useful to remind them that they are the expert on their experiences, and that I can’t offer them helpful tools if they can’t or won’t share with me what is really happening.

Creating a Sense of Safety

You can help your client to feel a sense of safety and security by encouraging them to track their thoughts and become aware of their fear-based thought patterns, and then show them how to challenge that thinking.

Challenging such thinking, and shifting your focus from danger to safety, can start to reverse the hold that self-generated fear has. You can help your client to feel empowered to do this by encouraging them to identify opportunities to get in touch with positive, supportive, protective things in their lives such as:

• You, their therapist
• Family members or friends
• A pet that they might have
• A book they have enjoyed reading
• Going for a walk in nature, or in their neighbourhood
• Meditation, particularly mindfulness, broaden-and-build theory of positive emotions.

What should you do if your client is not talking in therapy?

Tolerating silence comes naturally to some people but others find it intolerable and feel compelled to fill the silence. It could be very beneficial for your clients if you can become skilled and comfortable in this area. I have found sitting with silence through mindfulness meditation in my own time invaluable for me as a therapist in terms of managing silence in counselling sessions. Mindfulness meditation is also something I practice with my clients in sessions. It can be very helpful in terms of developing emotional regulation skills.

Silence, when used properly, may very effectively hold an empathic space in which your client can become mindful of what is arising in the here and now, and work through their thoughts and feelings.

It may also make your clients very nervous or anxious. I always feel it’s a good idea, and sometimes very helpful and liberating for the client to be open, honest, and congruent about what is happening within the counselling relationship, and what is happening in the session.

One very effective tool I have used with clients who find talking challenging is to ask them to keep track of their emotions and thoughts in between sessions and write them down. They can bring the document with them to session and read it out – this may be key in how to get a client to open up.

Thank you for reading